The Gift of Marriage - Fr. Aaron Hess

One of the most difficult situations a Catholic can be in is when a relative or a close friend who is Catholic chooses to not get married in a Catholic wedding service. I have had numerous people approach me asking what the best decision in that situation would be, and my goal is to walk through this challenge with them.

I think the first point to remember is that marriage is a Sacrament. It is not just a ceremony that recognizes that two people love each other. It’s not just a formality, a hoop to jump through. It is a gift given to us by Christ that makes a new reality--the two become one flesh. In Sacramental marriage, a couple is given a gift from God that unites them and then strengthens them in their relationship for the rest of their lives together. It helps them to become better parents of their children. They make a covenant with each other that allows them to be completely open and vulnerable, giving themselves entirely to their spouse.  Marriage is an incredible gift that the Lord has given us!

So, when a Catholic decides that they will not have a Catholic wedding, what they are ultimately saying is: I reject this gift.  I do not want all of these blessings from God, I want to do things my way. It doesn’t matter what their reasoning is, whether they want a destination wedding on a beach, or they think it would be more convenient to do everything at the hall, or their fiancé is a different denomination, or they haven’t gone to Mass in a long time, or their best friend got an online certificate to marry them, or they don’t want to go through marriage prep. In each of these situations, the Catholic is compromising their beliefs or setting them aside to focus on what they want more than what God wants for them. But the biggest issue is that there is not actually a sacrament happening before God, and the couple in truth is not married, even if they start living as such. They begin to live in sin.

 And is that something that we should celebrate?

I know that this is a really difficult situation for many people, especially if it is a close family member or a child. But the general norm is that I should not attend a wedding of a Catholic who does not get married in the Catholic Church. If we attend, we are, by our mere presence, celebrating this “union” that is not actually a union. We are celebrating that they have rejected the gifts given to us by God. We are celebrating a lie.  And by our witness, or our silence, we can allow other Catholics, including other children or family members or the community at large, to believe that this is okay for them too.  

Again, I emphasize that this is one of the hardest situations a parent, sibling, or friend can face, and that there are a lot of circumstances that can exacerbate the challenge. If this comes up in your own life, I encourage you to talk with a priest, talk with a trusted Catholic friend, to try and understand the best way to make this decision that will lead the couple, your family, and your friends to a deeper appreciation and love of the gift of marriage.